Health, Health and Health
I feel like a lot of times, we are so eager to jump into relationships because we are programmed to feel loved. I think every human being desires to give and receive love, in one form or another. But a lot of times, we rush into relationships without realizing that we are all hurt people. There’s a saying: “hurt people, hurt people”. And if you really stop to think about it, that makes so much sense.
A lot of our insecurities and hurt come from deeply rooted experiences. There are, of course, a lot of different types of roots but the main root that causes most of our character flaws is family. (Other than God), our family was the first physical form of love that we received and experienced. The things we learn from our first love tend to hold a greater impact for the rest of our lives (That’s why when we grow older and actually experience our “first love”, we learn the most from them). Obviously, there are other emotions that were given to us other than love from our family – hurt, jealousy, anger, frustration, comparison, disrespect…(the list goes on and on). These are the sort of factors that our character is founded upon.
I realized that a lot of the hurts people carry ultimately comes from the hurt they suffered while growing up as a child at home. As time progressed and we grew older, we could have definitely overcome all these pain but realistically, all we did was cover them up with a “blanket”. When I reflect on the past relationships I’ve been in and ponder about the situations where I got hurt or mad, it all somehow connects back to my roots. For example, I get really annoyed and frustrated when I am being compared to someone else. More than annoyance and frustration, comparison is when I feel the most unloved. It can come from fighting with a partner when she can say simple things like “your friends are this way. how come you can’t be?” Or even worse, “that guy is this certain way, why aren’t you?” Yes – these are all hurtful words but the reason why I take it in more personally is because I have a history of my mom always comparing me to my older brother. I was always the lacking son. I was always second place to him. And to me, my mom was the first person who showed me love so everything she did, the good or bad, branded a greater impact on my character. That’s when I realized that whenever my significant other or a friend compares me to someone else, something sparks. A bad spark.
Being single now for almost a year, the greatest lesson I’ve learned and been living by is this simple motto: “a healthy you = a healthy relationship”. If you really think about it, that is probably the most simple, yet beautiful solution to a healthy relationship. If I become healthy in all aspect – mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, etc, I’ll be able to offer a better Hoyoung to whoever I end up being with in the future. And if I am a healthier person in general, things like unnecessary fights or jealousy can be avoided a lot more as opposed to if I was unhealthy (and yes- I’m talking from personal experience on past relationships). Plus, I’ll be able to me a more gentle, understanding and patient person. Obviously, there’s so much one can learn by himself. There are a handful of things that can and has to be learned WHILE being in a relationship as well. But taking care of the foundational roots that you know you have and you know you got to fix is a fundamental lesson everyone should go through before jumping into a relationship, despite being lonely or wanting to feel loved by a special person (hence, “rushing” into a relationship). And the “relationship” aspect in the equation does not even have to fall under a significant other. It can be ALL types of relationship.
By being a healthier person, not only are we able to be healthy, but we will be able to love more unconditionally.