Worth, Worth and Worth

“I’m not good enough.”

That’s such a cliche saying, is it not? But one thing I know about that phrase is that when one dwells in that saying, it’s poisonous.

My whole life has been centered around this phrase. At first, I didn’t think it was such a big deal until it genuinely started to affect my life – the way I acted, thought, and eventually identified myself.

One of the biggest things I’ve struggled with since I was a kid was being too hard on myself. I was never good enough nor did I ever do a “good job.” Lately, I started to tackle this mentality on where it roots from and how I can go about changing this mindset because it has been destroying my character for far too long.

I strongly believe that the root of most things in our life stems from family. If you read my last post, you will understand why I believe how and why our family plays such a role in the development of our character and mindset. I was always compared to not just my older brother, but my best friends growing up. I was the least favored son for sure. “Why can’t you be mature like your friend?” ” You got an A? Well your brother got an A+!” “You did a good job, but do it like your brother next time!” These are few examples of the things I heard growing up from one of the most influential and important figures in my life – my mom. I know I make my mom sound so damn military and horrible, but believe me, she is the most respectable and loving person I know in my life. I know she never had the intention of causing so much insecurity in my life but that’s just how life works sometime.

Because I’ve heard countless amounts of comparisons as a kid, I grew up thinking that I wasn’t doing a good job at anything I was doing. Being immersed with such comments started to make me believe that no matter what I did, I always failed at it – even if I succeeded. I was always second place to whoever else was out there in the universe. Even when I did a fantastic job at school or work, it still wasn’t good enough. I was always hard on myself saying that I could have done better even if I did it in the best possible way. I even started to believe that I was not good at something I’ve never even tried so I would always avoid new opportunities. This mentality started to even make me believe that I was never good enough for anything or anyone. The poisonous thought spread like a wildfire from my early youth.

The thought of feeling not good enough starts affecting the way you treat people as well. When people want to pour love and good things to you, you automatically retract because the feeling of being needed or important feel so foreign. It’s almost like an allergic reaction. You have to retreat. This becomes infectious because without you knowing, you start hurting the people around you that care about you the most. When people even tell you that you are doing a good job but you always respond with “No, I could have done better” and keep rejecting their compliment and praise, it can become emotionally draining. I’ve had my share of experiences that soon made me realize that I had a serious problem.

Feeling like you are not good enough is bad in itself, however, it can root to so many other infectious diseases – rejection, depression, jealousy…the list goes on and on. One of the scariest things from that list is rejection. I kid you not – when you get rejected from someone or something in the midst of this belief that you are not good enough, it will utterly destroy you. Rejection will cause you to be more emotional and cause more self-hatred. “I got rejected because I was not good enough!” You sink deeper and deeper until all you see and feel around you are darkness and hopelessness. Internally, you keep adding more negative comments about yourself into the pile that towers as high as Babel. That’s a bad place to be. Trust me.

Feeling not good enough also devalues your worth. We are worth so much that Christ paid the penalty for our sins on the cross. So doesn’t it not make sense to have such low self-esteem and confidence in ourselves? In no way am I promoting cockiness and pride. I’m promoting confidence and truth. What I’m trying to say is that when we identify ourselves as someone who will never be good enough for anything or anyone, we will only live our life continuing to hurt not just ourselves, but the people around us as well. Our identity should not be immersed in the “I’m not good enough” mindset but in the continual reminder that God loves us and accepts us – that we are so worth it and we are good enough for Him. This new mindset is the only antidote to the poison.

I struggled with this disease for almost all my life and it is not until recent that I’ve had people really speak truth to me – That I deserve good things and that I am worth fighting for. Believe it or not, I used to wake up every morning and stare at myself in the mirror saying, “Hoyoung – you are good enough. You are awesome. You deserve to be loved. You deserve good things!” It became a routine until I really started to convince myself that I was good enough. Words speak life.

So for anyone who has been struggling with this mindset, I hope you find the strength to get out of that dark hole. I’m still in the process of healing but if I was able to come to this point, then you for sure can too.

You deserve good things.
You deserve to be loved.
You deserve to be fought for.